I found an actual alternative translation of Second Samuel 12 and I think my American friends will like it. And my American acquaintances who don’t dislike me that much. Here it is:
The Lord sent Jerry Falwell to David. When he came to him, he said, “There were two men in a certain town, one rich and the other poor. The rich man had a very large number of sheep and cattle, but the poor man had nothing except one little ewe lamb he had bought. He raised it, and it grew up with him and his children. It shared his food, drank from his cup and even slept in his arms. It was like a daughter to him.
“Now a traveler came to the rich man, but the rich man refrained from taking one of his own sheep or cattle to prepare a meal for the traveler who had come to him. Instead, he took the ewe lamb that belonged to the poor man and prepared it for the one who had come to him.”
Then Jerry Falwell said to David: “You are the man. But you see, it’s OK. You may have taken the money of many small entrepeneurs, committed adultary multiple times without regret and lying is apparently a second nature, but that’s fine with me. It’s totally fine. The other one is far more shifty, she’s elite et cetera, et cetera. Far worse, far worse. Of course God won’t take your child, the other one is far worse. God will forgive you anyway.”
Nathan tells David his punishment, drawing by Gerard van Groeningen, Rijksmuseum